by Stella Harris
In the BDSM world, October is known as Locktober – a month in which chastity submissives refrain from orgasm. Geared primarily toward those who wear penile chastity devices, complementary kinks like edging, D/s, erotic humiliation, cuckolding, and feminization go hand in hand with these month-long, “Locktober Challenge” tease and denial sessions.
Locktober is also a great time to explore orgasm control games outside of traditional chastity and keyholding. There are many creative options that can be enjoyed long or short-term by anyone regardless of partner status or body type.
Orgasm control is probably my favorite kink. Unlike other forms of play I adore, it doesn’t require any special equipment to get started (looking at you, rope bondage) or safety training classes, and it’s infinitely customizable. Perhaps most importantly, orgasm control is incredibly intimate.
As a professional sex educator and coach, I’m regularly asked how to spice things up in the bedroom. The answer is usually more complicated than trying a new position or different toy. When people are looking for more spark, it’s often intimacy and connection that’s lacking rather than a failure of mechanics. That makes orgasm control a great option for anyone trying to light things up in the bedroom.
For the dominant partner, engaging in orgasm control means being highly tuned in to your partner’s experience. You need to learn what every gasp and twitch means to control their arousal level. And that’s precisely the kind of focused attention many people crave.
For the submissive partner, you must become deeply aware of your own body. The better you understand your arousal patterns, the more control you’ll have over your responses. That makes it easier to follow orders, whether you’re being told to wait or ordered to orgasm.
Good sex requires good communication, but getting in the habit can be scary. One of the great benefits of orgasm control is that it provides an excuse and a framework for check-ins while you play. You can ask your partner if they’re getting close or tell them to inform you whenever they’re on the edge. From strict countdowns and commands to playful banter and dirty talk, the communication style you choose should fit your personality and the dynamics of your relationship.
As you become more used to the nuances of your partner’s pleasure and experience, your communication might boil down to sexual shorthand. Sometimes all that’s needed are the words “please” and “wait.”
I like gear as much as the next BDSM nerd, but high-quality kink toys can be a significant investment. One of the benefits of orgasm control is that you don’t need any supplies to get started — you don’t even need a partner — you can try orgasm control solo! And if you do decide that orgasm control is your jam, there are many beautiful tools and toys you can add to the mix.
Kink-curious folks often worry that BDSM isn’t for them if they’re not interested in giving or receiving pain. Sure, spanking, flogging, and whipping are common forms of play — and might be eye-catching at parties — but they’re not the only ways to play with dominance and submission.
Exploring BDSM involves playing with power and control and exploring trust and vulnerability – absolutely no pain is required to bring these themes into the bedroom.
@kinkylifecoach Reply to @kinkylifecoach ♬ TWINNEM - Coi Leray
Edging means bringing yourself or your partner to the brink of orgasm and then backing off — allowing the desire for release to build. You can edge multiple times within a single play session, with or without ultimately allowing a climax.
Edging can increase the intensity of the eventual orgasm, and it can be a valuable tool for gaining control of your body’s arousal and pleasure responses.
When playing with edging, you can simply stop providing stimulation to keep an orgasm from happening, or you can disrupt the orgasm in another way, like introducing tickling or pain.
If you’ve spent any time watching BDSM porn, you’ve seen forced orgasms. On-screen, forced orgasms may be administered with the assistance of a wand-style vibrator, often combined with the submissive begging for permission to orgasm. But like all orgasm control, there’s more than one way to play with forced orgasms.
Although introducing toys can help build intensity, they aren’t required. Forced orgasms are about taking control of if, when, and how someone orgasms — the method of getting them there is entirely flexible.
It’s also common for forced orgasm play to involve multiple orgasms, or continued stimulation after orgasm (sometimes called post-orgasm torture), making the pleasure of orgasm so intense it verges on pain.
Unlike other forms of orgasm control, chastity play often involves gear. From belts to cages, there are chastity devices for all kinds of genitals. Rather than simply controlling someone’s orgasm by words or actions, a chastity device physically limits access to the genitals. And in the case of cock cages, even the ability to achieve an erection is controlled.
When using a chastity device, playtime can be strictly about the dominant’s pleasure, or the device can be removed for play. But just because a chastity belt or cock cage is coming off doesn’t mean the submissive will necessarily be allowed to orgasm. It may simply be coming off for an edging session, only to be put back in place until next time.
A cage won’t fit over an erect penis, so if an orgasm isn’t happening, you’ll need to wait for the erection to go down on its own before replacing the cage or resort to using ice to encourage the process.
Wearing a chastity device is usually seen as a serious commitment, with a great deal of trust and control being placed in the hands of the keyholder.
Over the last few years, kinksters have gotten more creative than ever, and orgasm control is a great way to stay connected between in-person visits. Whether it’s during an 8-hour work day or a months-long absence, orgasm control fuels connection. If you’re looking for inspiration, here are some ways to make edging and orgasm control a homework assignment:
Playing with orgasm control assignments keeps your connection — and your sex life — top of mind, even when you’re physically apart.
@krystinekellogg Kristine’s FLR Podcast Episode 14 #kinkcommunity #chastitydevice #cuckolding ♬ original sound - Krystine Kellogg
Like any exploration of kink, getting started with orgasm control begins with a conversation. Sit down with your partner and talk about the fantasy you’re having and how you’d like to bring it to life. If you’re at a loss for words, find some erotica or videos that turn you on, and use those as a starting point to express what you do and don’t want to try.
Here are some elements you might want to consider as part of your negotiation — take note of each yes, no, and maybe:
Remember, all it takes to begin experimenting with orgasm control is asking, “pretty please?”
Exploring BDSM involves playing with power and control and exploring trust and vulnerability – absolutely no pain is required to bring these themes into the bedroom.
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Stella Harris
Stella Harris is a certified intimacy educator, professional coach, trained mediator, and published author focused on communication & relationships (and yes, sometimes that includes sex.)
Learn more about Stella and her books, Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships and The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes on her website, www.stellaharris.net, or follow @stellaharriserotica on Instagram.
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