We know you’ve barely recovered from Locktober, but brace yourself. #NoNutNovember — Locktober’s weird, religious cousin — is at the door, ruining our fun with a stack of bad science and fascist internet memes. 

Superficially the two are quite similar. Both feature restraint from ejaculation for a month. But whereas Locktober adherents celebrate the pleasure of denial and submission, No Nut November is joyless sex shame. According to No Nut November followers, resistance to pornography and masturbation — really any ejaculation — makes you more virile, more powerful socially, and more attractive to hot women. And not just that: Better hair! Clearer skin! Success at work! 

For these true believers, No Nut November is a physical reboot, in which you cast out porn and masturbation for ever and transfer into the Alpha Male superman of yore (cue up the Wagner.)

The pseudoscientific claims have all been repeatedly debunked, but like Pumpkin Spice Latte, All I Want for Christmas, and a cold sore, they seem to come back year after year. That’s why this year, Clips4Sale put together a survival guide to No Nut November, as well as the “handy” explainer for us to help you — the innocent bystander — tell the difference. 

Thankfully, they’re joined by femdom fatale Aiden Starr, just wiping her hands of her Locktober duties, to give them an expert’s take on preventing erections. Because while we’d never dissuade anyone the exquisite denial of pleasure, we’ll fight shame with all we’ve got.