For many kinksters, BDSM names and titles are a significant part of our identity and D/s dynamics. Also known as an honorific, the most frequently used are heavily gendered – Sir, Mistress, boy, Daddy, Mommy, good girl, Master, Domme, princess, etc.   

It’s important to remember that kink is customizable and titles are never required. You’re allowed to identify however you want and use whatever name suits you – including not using a special BDSM pet name or title at all. 

For those who choose to use honorifics, there aren’t many obvious options for folx whose gender falls outside the binary or who don’t jibe with traditional BDSM titles.

In the world of kink, genderfuckery is encouraged. That leaves a little wiggle room for some of us to break what feels like unspoken honorific rules. In my case, as a hard femme D-type, having my s-types call me “Sir” or “Daddy” makes me feel subversive, powerful, and euphoric. As a general identity, I’m a Dom, not a Domme. My workaround, however, isn’t a good fit for everyone, including many genderqueer people. The visceral connection those terms have to default-world gender roles can feel invalidating, demoralizing, or trigger dysphoria – akin to being repeatedly misgendered during our most vulnerable, intimate moments. 

The point of kink, BDSM, and fetish play is to tap into an existence where we no longer have to tolerate what doesn’t fit. We get to custom-craft our own identity, relationship protocols, sex life, and temporary reality in whatever way makes us feel good (including when asking partners to consensually & thoughtfully make us feel bad is what ultimately makes us feel good). 

Plenty of people make up their own genderless BDSM honorifics and titles. Sometimes we use pet names that have personal significance. Other times, we’re just … STUCK – honorificless with zero inspiration or representation that transcends beyond the binary. We hear terms like Sir, Mam, baby girl, or house boy, on a continuous loop. It’s difficult to come up with alternatives when you don’t have many examples to draw from. 

Below is my list of non-binary BDSM honorifics for you to take from or use as inspiration when crafting your own. Additionally, this list of general gender-neutral & queer titles, this Nonbinary Wiki page, or Sinclair Sexmith’s Sugarbutch Nonbinary Honorific Terms for a Dominant might come in handy too.  

Which non-binary BDSM titles and honorifics are your favorites? Let us know on Twitter!